Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
