Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
