Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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