I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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