just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
