I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
