The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
