To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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