You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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