Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
