Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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