I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
