He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
