I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
