Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
