i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
