What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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