If i come over, it means nothing
i jhust puked up my retainher.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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