I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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