That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
