My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
