I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Two words: nipple clamps
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