were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
