Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is the high leading the old right now
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
