my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
