btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
