I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
