I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
