hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
