He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
