Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
