My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
