Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
