I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
