I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
