yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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