i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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