I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
