i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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