she was so not down for the gang bang
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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