so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
