no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
