If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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