ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
