Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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