yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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