Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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