Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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