I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
