she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
