i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
