youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
