I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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