Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
