The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
