did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
