I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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