I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
