yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You made out with two different species that night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
