We named our party play list daddy issues
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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