I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
