You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
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