They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
